On Sunday night the Hollywood Nerd Herd will venture out from their gilded perches and palaces. The Hollywood Nerd Herd will pass through the streets of the unwashed masses, warily stopping to modestly pose for photographers, while they humbly and reluctantly accept the clapping and cheering of their peasant fans who like most peasants (the same peasants who finance these lavish lifestyles by purchasing movie tickets and paying each month for cable tv) simply want a glimpse or nod of acknowledgement from these exclusive idols. These Superstars of The Hollywood Nerd Herd are role models, they are pillars of stability, who are possessed with grace, and shining examples of moral purity and obvious superiority.
The Hollywood Nerd Herd’s
Michelle Obama Marie Antoinette-esque indulgent lifestyles often include: self cleaning paperless toilets (toilet paper is barbaric and kills trees – Sheryl Crow suggests regulating only one square per visit), surrogate mothers (full term pregnancy ruins your figure, or your filming schedule, or your already planned vacation), Manny‘s (Nannies are so 2011), life coaches, pet psychics, potty training specialists (one day boot camp available for extra lazy celebrity mothers), chai-yok vaginal steam baths (to relieve stress), garra rufu fish pedicures (think carnivorous piranhas nibbling on your feet), Demi Moore’s detoxifying leach therapy, Nightingale excretion (Tom Cruise’s favorite) or Sperm facials, and of course the Womb Room (“designed to lull guests into a state of relaxation comparable to the start of life itself”)
For one brief shining moment this evening the Hollywood Nerd Herd will cease lecturing us peasants about imaginary global warming, about paying our (but not their) fair share of taxes, about turning in our (but not their) guns (doesn’t Brangelina and others have armed security?). Instead of their usual soapbox lectures they will gather in an orgy of self congratulation. Tonights bacchanal ritual of praise and adulation will climax and hit the high spot by winning the ultimate coveted graven image – The Oscar.
Obviously our nomination notification for the critically acclaimed motion picture: American Grizzlies United Presents; The Hollywood Nerd Herd was lost in the mail by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and the beyond efficient and very strong work ethic management of The United States Postal Service.
To level the playing field and make sure that everyone gets their fair share, American Grizzlies United would like to propose some new categories to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
For starters we propose that the art form of political theater should not be discriminated against. Discrimination is wrong.
Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and San Fran Nan‘s Mini-me Debbie Wasserman Schultz all gave very convincing performances last year. (Remember, according to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences rules, in order to qualify for the coveted graven image the performace must have occured before December 31, 2012).
#NewOscarCategories: “Most lies told within a 90 second sound byte”
Nominees: Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Ed Schultz, and Barack Hussein Obama.
#NewOscarCategories: “Best Liar”
Nominees: Chris Matthews, Rachel Maddow, Sally Kohn, Stephanie Cutter, and Barack Hussein Obama.
#NewOscarCategories: “Most Convincing Lie”
Nominee (And Winner By Default): Barack Hussein Obama (President Obama’s deception skills for this #NewOscarCategories are so incredibly superior that we feel it would be unfair to add any other nominees – it might hurt their feelings)
Perhaps some of you have some #NewOscarCategories of your own. Feel free to share them on Twitter and with your friends.
The Hollywood Nerd Herd has a basic comtempt for the American people. The same American people who buy tickets to their movies, and pay monthly cable bills to watch them on tv. By buying these tickets and paying these monthly cable bills we give them the position to continually lecture us on how things out to be. The Hollywood Nerd Herds hollow, utopian, and increasingly authoritative rhetoric can and should be challenged. But it is up to us.
Our work continues.
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